I’ve been dating this guy for a couple of months. Let’s call him Professor D. Professor D and I matched online like every other new budding relationship. Coincidentally, Professor D and I happened to work at the same university, but our paths never crossed at work (although he did look oddly familiar and we most likely shared an elevator at some point). We’ve been dating casually, but exclusively for the past couple of months due to COVID-19. It’s an odd time to date since our exclusivity doesn’t necessarily reflect the trajectory of our relationship. We’re being exclusive to minimize COVID risks. Okay, okay I know we probably shouldn’t even be dating if we’re talking about COVID risks, but a lady needs some company and some dick.
As far as our dating pattern goes, it’s taking the typical path — see each other on the weekend once a week. While I don’t know if I want to be in a serious relationship right now, there is a part of me that wants something more with Professor D. This could be part of social conditioning, not wanting to be a cat lady (it runs in the family, my mom has SIX cats), or societal pressure that I should find my partner ASAP because my biological clock is ticking. The irony is that I don’t really want kids although my mom always says “you just haven’t met the one” (barf).
Anyways, going back to my story with Professor D — things have been going relatively well. During a Friday night dinner, he asked me if I was free during the week for a potential mini getaway. When he brought this up, the irrational girl in me kicked and thought “OMG he wants to see me BEFORE the weekend! We’re taking the next step in dating where we see each other more than once a week OMG OMG OMG.” Side note, I’m still trying to play the chill, cool girl card so I responded with a “that sounds great,” but with mild enthusiasm. The rest of our date went well, and when parted the following day, Professor D reminded me about our weekday getaway. The irrational girl switch turns on again. I think “OMG he’s reminding me to keep those dates open! He really wants to see me sooner!” I was pretty excited about the idea that we were meeting during the week. I thought that our dating situation was taking the “next step” and started to project a shit ton into it. The chill, cool girl was swept away by the tsunami of the irrational girl inside of me. If I can go back in time, I want to slap myself back to reality (insert facepalm emoji).
I’m a Virgo and a planner by nature. I like to plan my week somewhat in advance. Although I’m learning how to go with the flow a bit more, time is very precious for me. Once I got home, I looked at my schedule for the week and started to prioritize my upcoming weekday date with Professor D. I fantasized about the mini getaway and the potential of being in a relationship with Professor D. Ugh seriously, can I go back in time and slap myself? Fast forward to the day before our weekday date, and I don’t hear from him. I send him a text, but it’s not related to our plans (cuz ya know I don’t want to come off clingy). He responds back, but doesn’t bring up any plans for the next day. Hmmm, I think it’s odd, but he has work so maybe he’s just trying to see how his day goes tomorrow. Logically, I understand that his work takes priority, but I start to get anxious emotionally. Did he forget about our plans? Does he not respect my time? Why did he even suggest something he can’t follow through?
The next day (the day of the date), I text my dating guru friend about the situation and ask whether I should follow up.
Me: Do I follow up with Professor D about our potential plans for today?
Dating Guru (DG): Hmmm I would’ve asked him yesterday when you were texting.
Me: Well it’s too late now lol. I guess I can ask him now. Or do a relinquish my power if I ask him?
DG: You can ask him now, but it’s a bit late. Hmm I think you still have power because you’re following up the day of = not caring too much.
Me. Yeah I’ll ask him then. How should I bring it up?
DG: Don’t beat around the bush, just be direct since it’s logistical.
Me: Okay, cool. I’ll just say “Hey checking in to see if we’re meeting today?”
DG: Yeah that’s fine
Me: Got it. Sent.
After an anxious 45 minutes (who’s counting right?) Professor D writes that he’s working until 6pm, but he’s free after. I respond saying that I’m flexible and can plan to meet him around then. Fast forward to 6pm, he texts me saying he has to pass tonight because he’s a bit tired and still has some work left. I respond by saying “no worries, hope you get some rest tonight.” Here’s another queue to the irrational girl switch turning on again. I get super sad and upset. I’m thinking WTF why am I so upset? It’s not like I had any plans anyways, I have my period, have cramps, and I’m tired. My logical side is trying to rationalize everything, while my emotional side is playing breakup songs on repeat. I take a deep breath and let myself feel the sadness and disappointment before I go into self analysis mode. After some meditation and a long walk, I take a step back to figure out why I was so upset and realized the following things:
- In my dating history, this was the type of behavior a guy would have before they ghosted me.
- I changed up my schedule by canceling a grocery delivery, rescheduling a Dr.’s appointment, and made some baked goods to share (side note I’m a baker so baking something isn’t a “special” thing I do for a guy).
- He was the one that suggested meeting.
- I projected wayyyy too fucking much on a POTENTIAL weekday getaway.
Looking back at those points above, it made me realize that my disappointment above (except for #3) had nothing to do with Professor D. My anxiety got the best of me. Now that I managed to turn off the irrational girl switch, I can see how I put so much weight into a potential date. I was looking at it as a “next step” where in reality, it was just another date. I’m sure Professor D didn’t think “ohhhh I want to take this dating to the next level so let me ask her out during the week.” Honestly if he thought that, I’d be a bit weirded out. Flattering, but weird. I’m also hoping that he never reads this because I’m weirded out by my own self with the whole thought process I went through. Most of my disappointment and projections were based on past experiences and not from Professor D. Yeah it’s annoying that he suggested something and cancelled last minute, but then again he had to work. Shit happens. I don’t know if this will be a one time thing, or eventually lead to Professor D ghosting me (also if he does his loss), but there’s really no point in worrying. I’m enjoying the spend I time with him right now and that’s all that matters.
As women, we’re culturally and socially conditioned to look into the future when it comes to dating and romantic relationships. I can’t speak for all women, but I’ll admit that it’s really fucking hard to undo decades worth of Disney movies and romcoms with happily ever afters. Do we really need a long term partner to be fulfilled? I want to say that’s utter bullshit, and yet here I am, wondering how things will be with Professor D. As I reflect on my emotions, I need to remind myself to take things as they are, rather than applying some sort of meaning/over analysis when I’m dating. I’m sure this is something that’s said in EVERY piece of dating advice. Sometimes you need to experience these things yourself before you can truly let that sink in.
